"As Long as They're Healthy" ... but ... What if They're Not????

What do you do then? How do you share with everyone else while you're barely holding it together yourself? What do you do when your babies arrive before they can open their eyes, before they can manage one breath, before they can even emit the tiniest of cries?

This was the first medical crisis I had been through. Are the answers the same for those diagnosed with cancer, those caring for an ailing parent, those shouldering the burden of a new diagnosis for themselves of their child? I can't say, I can only say what worked for me - and by worked, I mean I made it through. I'm still making it through. I have never made perfect choices and never will as I am still learning how to do this mom thing every day.

Forget take it a day at a time. Take it an HOUR at a time, sometimes a minute. A day is a huge amount of time - twenty-four long hours during which eight million things can happen in the NICU so just pause and think about the smallest, next step. Sometimes that's a thought. Sometimes it's an action. Sometimes it's to cry. Sometimes it's to step forward and demand something. Sometimes its quiet, sometimes bold, sometimes massive, sometimes just a breath.

Take what you need. Leave the rest, whether until later or never. I'm a reader and a researcher so when the twins were born at 24 weeks, as soon as I was able, I was scouring for information. I had an encyclopedia-sized book called "Preemie," and I joined some micropreemie Facebook groups. Within an instant, information came flooding in - brain bleeds, death rates, blindness, seizures, intestinal death, cerebral palsy, learning disabilities. I left the Facebook groups until a few months later when the babies were stronger. They may be helpful to others right away, but it wasn't for me. Use it if it helps you. Unfollow if  it doesn't. I changed my approach to the "Preemie" book - preemies certainly do not start at the beginning and move steadily through their journey so why was I forcing myself to read it that way? No retina damage yet - skip. Intestines currently clear - skip. There was plenty to gentle delve into while setting the rest aside for well, hopefully never. If you want guests, allow them, If you don't, don't. If you wake up at 3 am and have a question for the NICU, call. If something seems wrong, speak up. Don't hold back, don't feel guilty. Some days will be good, some days will really just suck, but it can be done, and however you can do it is just fine. Keep steady and keep breathing. If there is one lesson to be learned from a one pound baby, it's just that.

Some days all you have to do is breathe.